How many times have you asked your friend that question? How many times have you asked family or your partner? Bet you definitely can't count it on one hand can you?
That is the very sad reality that we seek approval for how we look, when really, all we need is our own approval. Who cares what anyone else thinks?
You look your best when you're happy, do you know that? Nothing makes you glow like a genuine smile. You could be wearing a bin bag but if you are happy, you will look amazing regardless.
I'm aiming this post at women, rather than men and that's not to say that men don't feel this way too. I'm sure the majority of what I'm going to say will apply to guys too, but you'll find that, generally speaking, men already have that mentality of 'who cares'. They'll shove on a t-shirt and some nice jeans, possibly a bit of gel in their hair and boom! Perfection. For us ladies, it's a bit more complicated, unfortunately.
Did you know that in the animal kingdom, it's the male species that look the best? Lion's have their mane, Peacocks have their beautiful feathers (females... Peahens, are brown, grey and cream with white on their bellies), Mallard ducks- the ducks with the green heads are male and the brown ducks are female. This is called sexual dimorphism- the difference between individuals of different sex in the same species. As it turns out, I think it might be the same in our species too.
Look at how much effort goes into making a guy look good compared to a woman. They don't shave their legs or armpits, don't wax their eyebrows, don't have their nails done, don't spend loads of money on their hair, don't wear make-up, don't change the colour of their skin (tanning)... I'm talking in general though, I know that there are guys out there that do things on that list. So, going by that... are they the more beautiful gender??
Basically we were doomed from the start and as the years have passed, women have found new ways to make themselves more beautiful and we've 'had to' go along with it. There will be many, many women out there that go against society and bravo ladies!! But those of us less confident have gone from being completely carefree children, to anxious teens, experimenting with make-up, starting to shave, feeling better with pretty hair and nails and trying to fit in with everyone else... and now we're adults, stuck in beauty routines that we're not going to escape until we're much older.
It's not a bad thing to look after ourselves and make ourselves feel good, I'm not saying that. My issue is the impossible standards and image we have in our heads- the way we NEED to look. No. You don't NEED to look like that. You NEED to look like you. You need to find that hair style and colour that you love. Have your nails done simply because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. Who cares if you have a layer of hair on your legs or armpits? It's not mandatory, and if you ask your fella... he might not love the idea of you having fur, but you'll find that he'll still love you regardless! They don't bitch behind our backs going 'she's not shaved her legs for like, a month... it's disgusting', they don't care, they have their own lives to deal with. I don't know about you, but I do my legs whenever I feel like it. It's an effort. Same with downstairs, same with my arm pits. I feel loads better when I do shave and everything is all silky smooth (for like, a day... ), but there's no pressure to do it.
Stop looking at that stunning celebrity or even that old friend from school that you think looks incredible, and look in the mirror. Look at those curves. Look at those pretty eyes! Look at that gorgeous, incredible woman looking back at you and know that you are loved by so, so many people, exactly the way you are right now. Your partner loves you for you. That beautiful soul that's in that body is the person they fell for and that's the person they see.
That celebrity you think looks so much better than you, has got a team of people working on her day in, day out and because she's in the public eye, she feels she needs to keep those high standards because otherwise, people are going to pick up on her flaws and criticize her. If she knew you, she'd be jealous of you, believe me. You get to simply be you. You get to eat whatever you want and look however you want. You want to change your hair colour and do something crazy? You can do that, she can't. Is there a popular girl from school that you've always been jealous of because she's got a couple of kids now and still looks absolutely amazing and seems to be living her best life? There will be things about you and your life that she envies, I guarantee that.
Same with mental health and the 'it's okay not to be okay', we need to normalise that however you look, is okay too. I really like this song called 'Most girls' by Hailee Steinfeld. It's basically that she's fed up of hearing that she's not like most girls when in actual fact, she'd love to be like most girls, because we're awesome. She sings about the different types of girls- how some feel best in tiny dresses, some in sweatpants, some in tight jeans, some even like to keep their physique private. All of that is okay! As I said before, if you feel good in your clothes and you're happy, that's when you'll look your best. Doesn't matter if you're wearing a gorgeous dress or a hoodie and joggers, happiness is the key part of looking good. I actually think I look quite cute in my favourite hoodie and a pair of jeans, as opposed to in a gorgeous dress that I feel uncomfortable in. A friend of mine bought a dress covered in books. like a bookcase kind of printed material? It's hard to describe but people would say it's not 'typical clothing'. She sent me a photo of her wearing it and honestly, she looked so happy and she looked amazing. This is a woman that will tell you she's not very confident but just her pure enjoyment from wearing that dress made her look incredible. The clothes we wear need to be chosen and loved by us to make them amazing. If you don't feel confident and good in an item of clothing that you own, get rid. You don't need that negative energy in your life. I've recently read a book by Marie Kondo and she basically tells us that if an item in our home, doesn't spark joy, get rid of it. When it comes to clothes, hold the top/dress/trousers/skirt in your hands and if you don't feel joy, pop it in the charity bag or the bin. At the end of this task, you should have a chest of drawers or wardrobe filled with only clothes that you genuinely love. Whatever you then put on, you will look great in. I had a dress a couple of years ago that I bought because it looked good on the mannequin. When I put it on, I really wasn't sure but I'd bought it so I was gonna wear it regardless. Two close family members told me it didn't suit me. This isn't me seeking their approval, they love me so they wouldn't care what I wore, but because I wasn't confident in it, it was showing so I didn't look great in that dress. Wear clothes that you love and get enjoyment out of and you can't go wrong.
Now, about your weight. If you are full on, genuinely and completely unhappy with your weight then fair enough, put some on, lose some... whatever you need to do, but I'm telling you now, DO NOT do it because you're seeking approval or feel like people are judging you. You've got to do it for you and only you. I see big women and I never think, oh my, she looks awful! I look at them and think how beautiful they are. I don't know what they used to look like, I don't know what they would look like if they lost some weight, but I never look at a woman and think 'she could do with losing some weight, she'd look so much better'. To me, that is who that woman is and she looks beautiful exactly how she is. Obviously if weight is needed to be lost or gained for health reasons then that's a different story, but as previously mentioned but with the men, we all have our own lives and our own issues to deal with so no-one is judging you and looking at you and thinking about your size. Thankfully, I think we are very slowly starting to come through that tunnel regarding body image and we're seeing a lot of plus size models these days and not just your typical slim, in your face beautiful models- even Victoria's Secret are coming into the new world! This is us starting to acknowledge everyone is different and for any kind of brand, you need to target EVERYONE and for that to happen realistically, you need people in the adverts, people on the posters that people can relate to.
Life is too short to be focused on your weight. Have a nice balanced diet- get some fruit and veg in there, but eat that bloomin cake if you want that cake! Having a bad day? If chocolate is going to make you happy, eat that chocolate! You don't want to be looking back at your life one day and see yourself miserable, eating a load of green stuff just because you wanted the perfect body that society has made you feel like you've got to have. Your happiness is the most important thing.
I got to the point earlier on this year when I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. There were a couple of spare tires around my middle and to me, it looked disgusting. I wanted to do something about it. I told my partner the next day that I was going on a diet and he turned around to me and said, 'I hope you're not doing this for me though? I love you for you. I don't care what size you are. Obviously if you become ridiculously big and unhealthy then yeah, I'm gonna have to say something but you're healthy and you're gorgeous so if you're doing this, it better not be for me.' I loved him for saying that but no, it wasn't for him. It was for me. I honestly didn't care that when we got together I was a very slim size 10 and I was at that point heading towards the top end of a size 14- we had and still have a very good relationship and connection, I know he didn't get with me because of how thin I was, it was our joint love of Harry Potter that brought us together and how easy it was to talk to each other and it all just blossomed from there.
I've been losing weight on my terms though and I think that's how everyone should do it. Eat the healthy things that you actually enjoy eating. Don't cut yourself off from junk, otherwise you'll crack and binge it all in one sitting. Find exercises that don't feel like exercise. I follow a YouTube Channel called MadFit- she's got lots of different styles of workouts on there that are only short so you're not killing yourself for hours at a time. I like her dance workouts that are about 15 minutes each. They definitely get you sweating, I'll not lie, but they're so much fun because they're songs you love. She's even got a One Direction workout (don't judge me!). I also started just walking up down my living room to my own music and doing little dances as I went. I keep thinking about going jogging but there's no pressure. I'm not going to do something that I'm not going to enjoy so I'll give it a go at some point but if I decide it's not for me, I won't do it and I'll stick to the exercises I do enjoy. Don't be making yourself miserable to get that body that you want. You need to make it an enjoyable process for yourself otherwise you'll be wasting precious time being unhappy when you could be having fun. I know which I'd prefer!
To conclude and sum it all up, stop worrying about what other people think of you. Only do your beauty regimes and make your appointments when you want to. There's no pressure whatsoever. Your hairdresser isn't after your money, she's there, doing a service to make you happy and feel good about yourself. Mine even said to me last time that it's good that I waited a bit cause it happened to be better for my hair. I go when I can afford to and when I want to. Sometimes I can go 6 months without a trip to the hairdressers and when I do go, I'm going to see a friend, have a chat, help pay her bills and get a pamper in the process. She's not fussed and doesn't judge me for leaving it too long. Same with my eyebrows and my nails. You don't NEED to have them done because society says you need to look a certain way. It's a case of wanting them done and having them done because YOU want them done.
You look your best when you're happy. Find that look that defines who you are. Love your hair purple? Do it! Want brightly coloured nails that people need sunglasses to look at? Do it! Decided you don't want to wear make-up anymore? Do it! Wear the clothes you love. Eat the cake. Eat the fruit and veg you enjoy. Only do the exercises you find fun.
You've got this, you gorgeous, sexy, smart, funny, incredible woman!!
Becks xx
