A few years ago, back in 2015, I went to Spain with my friend Fern. I posted on Facebook the day that we were going and my Uncle commented saying 'Do something that scares you!' and that has stuck with me ever since. I took his advice and on that holiday I flew on a plane which I didn't want to do but kinda had to to get there, I held a baby crocodile, I sung karaoke in front of an audience, I held a very scary looking owl, I rode a horse which doesn't sound scary but it is! and usually my first thought when encountering things like that is 'Nah, I'll pass.' but I listened to my Uncle and thought no, I'm gonna do them!
Looking back through life you start to realise how much you've done despite being scared to do them and those things are the memories that stay with you and are times when you've been proud of yourself.
Unfortunately, as I've got older, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse and most of the time is does get the better of me but I do try my hardest to talk myself out of it, knowing that I will regret it if I don't do it. For example, my anxiety kicked in just as I was about to catch a train and go and see my best friend and I ended up feeling sooo ill and not wanting to get on the train but I knew that I had to get on despite how I felt and I ended up having a really great time with her. If I'd given into that fear, even though she's very understanding, I would have disappointed her by not going and we would have missed out on giggles and laughs and conversations and experiences that we wouldn't have had the same again.
Another example is this year when I had my tattoo done. I was terrified! I was excited don't get me wrong, but I was terrified because I had no idea what my pain threshold was, I've never really had to test it before, you just get injured and you deal with it normally, but this was going to be intentional, I knew it was coming. On the day I felt sick and was so tempted to cancel and just forget about it but again, I knew I had to do it and I knew I'd regret it if I didn't. As soon as he started, I looked at Aiden who had come with me and I was like 'What was I worried about?? It's fine!', and I now have an amazing tattoo that I'm completely in love with and I can say I've done something that even some grown men are scared to do.
Yesterday was a huge test of my ability to control and overcome my fear. Yesterday, me, Mum, Aunty Claire, Ryan and Aiden (and also Kalani but he didn't actually participate) went to Go Ape at Sherwood Pines. I've wanted to go for yeeeears and back in January when it was suggested and my Aunty said her and Kalani would be coming up to see us and that we should all do it, I jumped at the chance and since then I didn't stop thinking about it and I was so excited! It wasn't until a week ago when me, Mum, Aiden and Ryan decided to go and check it out before we actually did it yesterday, that it all hit me and I thought 'Shit, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do this'. It was soooo high! The highest platform was 9 metres high! That's 30 ft up in the air! That's 5 times the average height of a man! So for the rest of the week thoughts like 'If I can't do it, I can't do it but I'll at least try' or 'I'll be fine, just don't look down, I've done worse than that!' or 'I had a tattoo, that was actually inflicting pain, this will be nothing, I'm not even gonna hurt myself!'. All week trying to talk myself into it.
The day finally came. I was shitting myself. I felt sick, light headed, hardly managed to eat my toast. Me and Aiden spent the morning just encouraging each other and making sure neither of us backed out of it and then we got picked up at 9. In the car I felt fine! Even when we arrived I felt okay, I was excited! We went and checked in at 10.15am and had to read through the rules... hair up if it's long (me), no chewing gum, phones need to be secure, no more than 3 on a platform, no more than 1 on the ropes and bridges, don't catch the net on the first go etc. We then went over and had our harnesses put on and that's when the nerves got me again, 'Just breathe Beck, you can do this!'. We had a trial with all the clips and stuff while we were still on the ground just to get used to it all. Make sure you're attached at all times, do one clip at a time, blue first and then red, make sure you attach the green clips with the green ring on your harness. We were off! We started off with a group of guys on section 1 so we just watched what they were doing and it all looked so easy on the first section! It wasn't too high and I was starting to feel a lot better.
Section 2 is where all that changed. We went into a fenced off pen kinda thing where there was a huge tree with two rope ladders either side, going up to a platform. I couldn't look up, I felt light headed every time I did. It was this point that I was seriously contemplating carrying on. Nope, I can do this, I can do this! Aunty went up first, then mum, then me. Near the top of the ladder it started to go flat against the tree and that's when my body started shaking with fear. Everywhere else on the course there was a line above that you were attached to but on the ladders, you were attached just below your waist, on your side. You were still secure because if you fell, you'd just fall a bit then come to a halt because if you tugged on the rope too much or too hard, it locked, but it still didn't feel as safe. I managed to get onto the platform though but that was it, I was struggling to breathe, I felt like I was going to throw up, I was light headed and my legs felt like they were going to give up any second. I just tried to focus on removing my clips from the rope on the ladder to the red line around the tree, trying to ignore my shaking hands and the fact that I was off the ground, higher than I should be. Mum and Aunty asked if I was okay and my answer at this point was a definite no but I carried on, knowing there was no turning back now. I transferred my clips onto the first bridge that was basically just a line for your feet and a line to hold onto. I got on with it, didn't look down and reached the other platform where Mum and Aunty were. Again, my answer was no when Mum asked if I was okay and I honestly thought I was going to cry. She and Aunty encouraged me though and said I was doing really well which helped a lot. Mum tried to get me to look at Aiden who was on the platform behind me, across the bridge but as much as I wanted to because I'd stare at him all day if I could, I just couldn't move from where I was, I was literally hugging the tree, holding on for dear life. It was another 5 minutes before I could move from the platform because we had to wait and do the tarzan swing, into the cargo net, one by one. Aiden reached my platform after Mum had jumped off into the net and he gave me some more encouragement and gave me a hug from behind and a kiss on the cheek. My turn now... I attached my clips onto the ropes that would swing me across the gap and I jumped. I crashed into the net, swung out and then swung back, hit it and grabbed it and made my way across and up to the next platform. There was a sense of relief when I reached that one. The jump helped I think. Aunty kept saying about the adrenaline and it helps you get through it and she was right.
I absolutely loved the zip lines! Apparently the longest one was 140 metres long! That's 140 metres of feeling like you're flying through the forest. It was amazing! Section 3 was fine but section 4 got me again. Up the platform, across a bridge to another platform and then there was a tiny ladder on that one going up again to another. I didn't think we'd have to go higher than we'd already been so yep, when I reached that one, I panicked and the fear kicked in all over again! I carried on though, just breathed through it and Aiden was right there with me making sure I was okay and supporting me when I needed it. Across another bridge, onto another platform and then it was another cargo net. This one was different to the other one but I didn't realise until I jumped. This one was more of a dip and swing if that makes sense? As you jumped you went down and across rather than just across. I screamed. You do actually feel a lot better when you scream though but I honestly couldn't help it, it just came out! Think it was because I wasn't expecting the dip. You should have heard Mum though when it was her turn to do it. Me and Aiden had already finished the section and we'd had to run to where Mum and Aunty were because we'd heard a whistle which meant an emergency and saw one of the staff run off in their direction so I ran too hoping that it wasn't one of them but it was, it was Aunty. Nothing serious though, she'd done the cargo net and tried to get up and onto the platform but her arms had given up so she had to call for help. So after that, me and Aiden stayed to wait for Mum and yeah, honestly it was one of those screams you hear in horror films!
Section 5 was another one where you got to the platform and had to go up again so once I'd reached the highest level and knew that was the height I'd have to stay until I'd finished, I was just determined to get it over with now. I finally reached the last platform and there were two zip lines leading to the finish so me and Aunty did it together. I reached the ground and nearly burst into tears! I'd faced my fear, I'd fought through it and I'd made it to the end!
It was such an accomplishment and I'm so, so proud of myself! Now if I'd given into that fear, I would have missed out on an amazing experience with my family and I wouldn't be writing this, telling you that I actually finished all 5 sections of Go Ape and came out with no injuries, I didn't throw up whilst up in the air, I didn't pass out... I did it.
So, I usually give you some sort of advice when I write posts like this. My advice to you is don't give into that fear when it's something that's going to keep you from an experience of a lifetime. If you're scared of heights my advice is to breathe through it and just do what you can. If you're on a cliff, up a building, up on a castle turret or wall, on a balcony on holiday, and know you aren't going to fall, just test how far you can go, just to say you've seen that beautiful view and captured it on camera. Go to Go Ape and turn around to everyone and say you did it! If you're scared of water but really want to go out on that boat and have some fun, do it! As long as you know you're safe and don't over think all the possibilities of getting hurt or there being some kind of accident, you'll be absolutely fine.
As it was said in Princess Diaries- Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.
So yes you might be scared and fear what you're about to do but there's something more important than your fear, experiences are more important and especially if you're making memories with family and friends. So do that thing that you're scared of doing. Travel, have fun, love deeply, take that test, take/apply for that job. On the other side of fear is life. Don't be too scared to live.
