Anxiety sucks so much. These days it's everywhere and everyone has it and honestly, it's a pain in the ass.
My anxiety stems from a fear of throwing up in public. That might sound absolutely ridiculous but it's the truth. I hate throwing up. Really, really, truly hate it to the point where I actually have a phobia of it. Its name is Emetophobia (I've just had to Google it) which causes overwhelming, intense anxiety pertaining to vomiting- fear of throwing up in public being a subcategory of it. It sucks.
My mum reckons it all started one day when we were down in Weston-Super-Mare and they had a big wheel on the beach which we decided to go on. The first time around, I was fine. Second- felt a bit iffy. Third? I had to press the emergency stop button and needed to get off immediately. My body just went into full panic mode and I thought I was going to either throw up or pass out but I just knew I needed to get off then and there. Once out, I calmed down and breathed in the fresh air and I was fine. From that day forward though, I had ridiculously bad anxiety not only for the throwing up but heights as well. Before that day I could stand on the edge of a cliff and I'd be perfectly content up there but after the day on the wheel, I couldn't even cope with heights on a film. I couldn't and still can't watch the whole scene in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol when Tom Cruise is swinging around on the side of the Burj Khalifa *dry heaves*.
I went through a stage in college where I couldn't actually get on the bus to go there because my anxiety would kick in. I missed loads of classes because of being off and my body just would not let me get on the bus and I'd just stand at the bus stop and cry because it was ruining my life. I was poorly all the time and I cut myself off from people and refused to go anywhere simply because I was scared of the feeling anxiety brought on.
After college, it was time to start in the working world as an adult. Unfortunately being more of an adult didn't mean the anxiety would magically disappear and it carried on being present in my life and turned into panic attacks quite often. I'd wake up in the night not being able to breathe properly and my mum would have to come and sit with me and talk me through methods of breathing until I'd calmed down. It was awful. This was mainly because I knew (and my boss knew) that I was in a job that just wasn't right for me and it was making me stress and worry, leading to the anxiety and panic attacks. My boss turned around to me one day and basically just said that the job wasn't for me and suggested I looked for something else. At the time I was devastated because I felt I'd failed at my first job but little did I know, it was a blessing in disguise.
I found another job in a tea room and it was so perfect, I loved it. I loved the staff, the hours were good and the customers were lovely. I woke up every day feeling glad that I had work instead of dreading the day ahead. My anxiety was still present but it definitely wasn't as bad as it had been in the past and that was simply because I was happy. I've had my ups and downs in jobs since then and the anxiety has remained but the tea room job was the kick I needed to take my life back and start enjoying it despite what was going on in my head/body.
Rescue Remedy has been a God-sent. Back in my teenage years when my anxiety was bad and I just felt ill all the time, Grandma took me shopping and we went into (I think) Boots and she bought me some Rescue Remedy spray which you just spray onto your tongue- made from flower extracts, for 'comfort and reassurance'. I was a bit dubious but she told me to just use it and I'd feel better for it. I've not looked back since. They have other products- I've used the lozenges, drops, pastilles and chewing gum and they're so good. People will probably argue that it's all just in my head which it probably is but if it helps/works then who cares! Whenever I feel myself getting worked up or I know that something is going to trigger my anxiety, I just reach for my Rescue Remedy and I know I'm going to be okay. So if you struggle with anxiety and aren't sure how to cope, I'd give their products a go.
Looking back through the years there were times in my life that I let the anxiety control me and it stopped me from making memories with my family and friends and I regret it so much. Now that I'm 25, I've learned to control the anxiety instead. Not completely, don't get me wrong because most of the time when it hits, there's no reason for it to but I just cope with it. A couple years back I was at the train station about to get on the train and the anxiety came in full force to the point where I was holding back tears and really, really didn't want to get on that train. I tried so hard to pull myself together, phoned my boyfriend (now fiance) and talked it through with him and he told me I'd be okay and to just get on the train otherwise, I'd regret it. I was going to see my best friend for a couple of days and it was my first time staying with her and travelling on my own to see her. I'm not a great traveller and tend to get bad travel sickness so I think that was probably where it was all coming from- because I didn't want to feel sick/ be sick on a train full of people. After I'd got off the phone I thought 'you know what? I'm not letting Sarah down- she'll be disappointed if I don't go. I'll miss out on seeing her, spending time with her and making memories if I don't go so pull yourself together and get on this bloody train!'. I felt shocking for the full 2 hours but I made it and I had a lovely couple of days with her.
There have been lots of times since where my anxiety has kicked in before getting on trains and even planes! I went to Spain on my own as part of my 21st birthday, with my friend Fern and if I'd let the anxiety control me that time, I would have missed out on a major step into adulthood (that even some adults I know still haven't done!)- flying to a different country, unaccompanied by a parent/guardian and taking full responsibility for me and my friend on this holiday, looking after ourselves. It was a time where no, the anxiety wasn't going to ruin this experience for me. Again, on the plane, I felt absolutely shocking but I got there in one piece and had a great week away!
Each time it kicks in before I go somewhere, I sit/stand and say to myself, 'I'm not letting my anxiety ruin this experience for me. I'm going to go and have fun with (insert friend/family member) and I'm going to look back and smile at the memory instead of looking back with regret because I chickened out and the anxiety got the better of me. Nope, not going to happen.'
I'm living with anxiety. It sucks. I hate it but, it's part of what makes me who I am. I'm stronger as a person because of it. On a weekly basis, something happens and my anxiety hits me and I have to control it and be brave and make the decision to fight back and say nope, I'm living my life today and you can't stop me. That takes courage and I'm so proud of who I am today because of my ability to take control instead of letting it control me. I've not done this alone though- I am so lucky to have wonderful people in my life who actually understand and support me. I can talk to them about it and they have the patience to listen and help me when I'm struggling. They don't judge me or ask questions when I have to pop in some Rescue Remedy chewing gum or a lozenge. I'd prefer not to think about it but I'd probably be in a dark place if it wasn't for them caring so much about me and they'll never understand how much I appreciate them simply being there for me and loving me just as I am.
So, here's the advice part. Please, please don't let the anxiety rule your life. You're on this planet to live your life- make memories, have fun, go places, see things, smile, laugh, experience life and make the most of it- you can't let the anxiety hold you back. If you're truly struggling, talk to someone! Talk to a therapist who'll be able to get to the route of your problems and help you sort through them or just talk to me? I know what you're going through and I'm a very good listener and I'm pretty decent at advice too ;)
Try Rescue Remedy products if you haven't already- they're amazing!
Remember to breathe. Sit, calm yourself and breathe. Sometimes it's easier said than done, I know but just take a deep breath and slowly let it out and imagine the anxiety leaving your body in that breath. Sometimes it helps me if I pretend it's not a negative feeling... I'm just really excited and giddy, and I smile and turn it into a happy bubbling kind of feeling instead.
Give a loved one a call when you're struggling and just take your mind off it and either talk about how you're feeling or completely change the subject.
Don't let it control you, control the anxiety.
Hope I've helped you in some way, drop me a message if I have, I'd like to know!
Becks x
